(no subject)

[wheelsy_sheriff]

"Good morning, Bill. How are you today?" Dr. Montaño asks with a smile as she and Bill settle into opposite chairs in her office.

"I'm alright, busy mornin'."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I drove Kate to Columbia. Her an' a friend are goin' on a trip."

"That sounds nice. Where are they headed?"

"New Mexico. I ain't ever been but had this scheduled an' already missed a couple sessions so... " He shrugs, leaning forward to grab a handful of Jellie Bellies from the coffee table in between them.

"Well, I'm sorry that you got left behind, but I'm glad you didn't cancel. I think you've done really well as we've come along. Tell me, how do you feel about the sessions, Bill?"

Shifting in his chair his brow furrows, eyes going down to his hand, shaking the candy in his palm.

"Well, I... you already know I didn't want to do this in the first place."

He glances up and she nods.

"I'm still not happy that I had to, or that I've been out of work so long but... " Staring at his hand he sifts through the candy with a finger, trying to find words to say what he wants to.

"I think it's helped." He closes his hand and looks at her. "I wasn't... everthing that's happened, it's had a bigger effect on me than I wanted to admit to anyone, or myself, before. I hadn't been handlin' things well an' it was... it was messin' me up."

It's hard to admit, but looking back he can clearly see that he wasn't right before. All the arguments with Kate and his mom, his confrontations in the bar, he was out of control and losing himself quickly.

"I wasn't fine like I kept sayin' I was. I wasn't dealin' with anything well."

He expects her to nod or agree with him, but she's listening and watching him patiently and doesn't say anything until the silence stretches.

"How about now?"

"Now?" Slipping the handful of candy into his shirt pocket he takes in a slow breath, eyes wandering the room as he considers the question. "I'm better than I was. I'm feelin' better, copin' better an' I'm not so... I was shuttin' people out before, hurtin' them when they were tryin' to help me... I think I've gotten better at not pushin' them away."

He knows he still shuts down and builds walls when things get hard, but he's trying. He really is. He thinks about the arguments he and Kate had and his insides knot.

He knew then that she was trying to help but it had been so hard and he couldn't seem to hold things together.

The way he treated her is something he regrets the most out of everything and she's the main reason he finally admitted something was wrong and worked so hard to get himself together again.

Kate has also helped him get through a lot of the things he was struggling with.

His eyes settle back on the doctor and he takes in a slow breath.

"I'm also not blamin' myself as much as I was."

The guilt eating away at him from the inside out was near torture. He hadn't known how to handle it, couldn't talk about it and it and the doubts that came with it tore him up bit by bit.

"I've been through a lot an' after spendin' so much time tryin' to ignore or forget it all I'm ready to talk about what happened. I know it'll help an' also I-- I'm ready t'get back to work, an' I know this is what I gotta do so I can."

His eyes are locked on hers and they make a quiet study of one another and then she nods.

"Tell me what happened in the gas station, Bill."



They go way past the scheduled time for the session but Bill goes through it all, telling her what he told Kate about the shooting; discussing Hargrove's shooting and the funeral; and the article about Lawson's transfer.

It's not easy. There are many starts and stops in the conversation, pauses as Bill works through thoughts and nerves, but they get through it. The doctor offers prompts and encouragement along the way and small reassurances when guilt or uneasiness enters his voice and expression.

Finally Bill reveals the fear;

"I been scared before but this... I dunno. Layin' there I just... there was so much damn blood, an' it hurt so much. An' Kate-- the way she was lookin' at me, workin' hard to stay calm, an' tryin' to keep me with her, I-- I was sure I was gonna die on her right there on the floor a'that station."

guilt;

"Everyone, Kate, my friends, even Hargrove's wife... they all been tellin' me it's not my fault, but I can't help feelin' like it is. Not all the time, not anymore, but that guilty feelin' is still there when I wake up an' go to bed some days an' it's hard to get around."

and anger, he's been carrying all along;

"It's just, so god damn unfair. An' I know, I know life ain't fair but Christ, what's happened to me all this time, to Kate, to Hargrove an' his family... it's all because of one man. It started in that fuckin' gas station an' keeps goin' an' I been feelin' like it just ain't gonna end."

He doesn't tell her about going to see Lawson before their appointment but they discuss how he feels about him and what he and Kate talked about at breakfast yesterday. Through it all Dr. Montaño reassures him the same as Kate had that what happened wasn't his fault, and his feelings about Lawson are natural reactions to have.

When he's done talking he waits as she finishes making her notes, rubbing his palms together and trying hard not to fidget.

He wants to say it again, that he's ready to go back and he's about to when she finally looks up from her purple legal pad.

"Bill, I want you to know that I'm very pleased with the progress you've made during our time together. You should be very proud of yourself, you've done very well."

Bill thinks he hears something in her voice and it makes him wary. Ready for disappointment he prompts quietly, "But?"

She chuckles a little and shakes her head, reaching over to set her notepad on the desk.

"No 'but', you've come a long way and worked through some really tough issues. I have no reservations about re-certifying you for duty, sheriff."

She gives him a smile and after a surprised beat he returns it.

"Really? I can... " He gets up out of the chair and grins in relief and excitement.

The doctor nods and rises with him.

"Really. I'll make the necessary phone calls and send the paperwork to the department. I'm sure they'll have you set to start as soon as possible."

He almost can't believe it, and can't stop smiling either. He sticks out his hand and she shakes it and then he hugs her.

"Thanks, doctor. I just... I appreciate it." He steps back and his smile sobers, "An' I uh, I don't just mean for clearin' me."

She laughs and nods and then calms her smile a bit, regarding him with a touch of concern.

"We're done here, as far as the state is concerned, but if you'd like to continue with more sessions, or feel the need to schedule an appointment in the future, I want you to know that option is open to you, Bill."

His first reaction is to laugh but only gets as far as a brief chuckle before the instinct to scoff the idea gives way to consideration.

"I-- I'll keep that in mind. Thank you."

They're at the door, her hand on the knob and she pauses before turning it. Still smiling softly she studies him and he shifts his weight on his feet.

"Would you like to continue having sessions, Bill?"

Absently he rubs his palm over the jagged scarring on his forearm and looks down at her.

"I... if I did, would anyone have t'know?"


Leaving the office he checks his watch and frowns. Kate and Doc have probably already left Dallas by now. He smiles, thinking about how he'll tell her about going back to work when she calls later on.

After getting in and starting the truck, though, he decides maybe he'll tell her when she gets back instead.

Pulling out and heading for home he decides he'll tell her before he tells his mom.