(no subject)

[wheelsy_sheriff]

"Christ, I'm gonna kill myself," Bill mumbles, slumping on a bench.

"Here, have a pretzel."

Dave nudges his shoulder and Bill looks up, accepting the soft baked pretzel while moving aside to make room for Dave on the bench.

Around them mall crowds bustle by; people loaded with shopping bags, pushing strollers, and more than a few guys wandering aimlessly looking just as lost and miserable as Bill feels.

He'd so rather be fishing but that was just the cover story he and Dave gave to get away for a shopping trip to Columbia. Now they're in the Columbia Place mall, taking a break from their endless wandering.

"How the hell have you been doin' this for years, Dave?"

"I tell ya, Bill, it sure ain't easy. I think Valentine's is even harder than fuckin' Christmas. At least with Christmas Sarah gives me hints."

"I shoulda just asked Kate what she wanted."

"You can't do that," Dave shakes his head, pulling off a piece of his pretzel.

"What? Why not?"

"It's like a rule or somethin'. They can tell you what they want, but you can't ask 'em."

"You're makin' that up."

"Really, ask any of these sad asses." Dave gestures to the crowd and Bill sighs.

"Okay. Fine. So whadda we do?"

"Keep lookin'. Hope we don't screw it up."

"Well ain't you just a god damn ray of sunshine," Bill grumbles, polishing off his pretzel and standing again.

"Don't worry, couple years of this an' you'll be just as sunny."

Bill shakes his head and starts walking, Dave getting up quick to join him.

-----

Charlotte Russe

"You don't know?" Dave's voice was close to incredulous.

"I said I wasn't sure," Bill corrects with a glare.

The pair stood in front of a dress rack and Dave was holding up a couple of evening gowns for Bill to inspect.

"Well how come you didn't check before comin'?"

"Because checkin' dresses ain't somethin' I do a whole lot of. Especially not before goin' fishin'," Bill snaps. "Besides, I'm pretty sure this one will fit."

"You can't fuckin' guess, Bill."

"Why not?"

Bill and Dave both turn their heads towards the source of the question.

It was another man, hanging onto a pair of identical blouses looking at Dave earnestly.

Dave sighs and re-hangs the dresses in his hands.

"Because if you guess wrong she'll be pissed. You get it too big an' she'll think you think she's fat. If you get it too small she'll think she's a cow."

The man looks to Bill who shrugs with an 'I dunno' expression. Giving a sad sigh the stranger sticks the blouses back on the rack and walks off dejectedly.

"I think you just killed that man's spirit, Dave," Bill notes, watching the guy shamble out.

"Better than his girl killin' him come Valentine's."

-----

Mrs. Clark's Pet Emporium

"What makes you think she'll want a pet?" Bill asks, following Dave into the pet shop and wincing at the sharp barks and squawks filling the air.

"What makes you think she won't? C'mon, let's just look around."

After a little wandering they eventually end up looking into a wire cage with romping kittens. Bill sticks his fingers through the bars and attracts the attention of one and he and Dave laugh when it attacks.

"May I help you?"

They both jump in surprise at the sudden appearance of the prim old lady standing by. There's mild alarm on Bill's part when he finds his finger is caught in the cage. Seeing this Dave goes for distraction.

"Uh... yeah, well, we're just kinda lookin' around. Kind of."

Her eyes narrow slightly and Dave squirms and Bill manages to get himself free.

"Valentine's," Bill puts in when he straightens up, eyeing his finger briefly. "Thought maybe ya'll might have something my girl would like."

"I see." She looks down her nose at them and Bill nods back at the kitten cage.

"How much for a kitty?"

"Those are purebred, European Burmese."

Dave and Bill both look back at the rambunctious balls of fur and then at the woman again.

"Oh yeah?" Bill asks, trying to sound suitably impressed.

"Yes. The lilac is four-fifty and the blue is six." She regards them a moment and adds, "Hundred."

Dave swallows gum he wasn't chewing and Bill blinks.

"Wow. Really? For a cat? He come with a six hundred dollar gold collar or somethin’?"

Dave recovers from the shock and snickers at Bill’s words, piping in, "Diamond studded?"

The woman sniffs and gestures towards the kittens.

"These are both certified, with papers-- "

"Papers? Don’t kitties use a box?” Dave asks and Bill cracks up.



Outside the store they head down the mall, Bill shaking his head.

"God damn. Six hundred bucks. Those cats were cute, but not six hundred dollars cute."

"Could you even tell the difference between ‘em?" Dave asks.

"Nope."


-----

Victoria’s Secret

"How 'bout somethin' from in there?" Dave asks, nodding as they pause in front of the store with the lingerie in the window and the wall to wall red velvet.

"No," Bill answers, stepping to the side.

"C'mon, let’s just-- "

"No."

"God damn it, Bill, we need to find somethin' already, why not?"

"No!"

"Bill-- "

"I ain’t fuckin' goin' lingerie shoppin' with you, Dave!"

Around them the mall traffic stops for several long heartbeats. Bill and Dave's eyes slide to each other and they both start walking.

"Let's go get some beer," Bill coughs.

"Yeah. You see that game last night?"

"Fuckin-ay I did."

"Good job, Bill."

"Fuck you."


-----

Zale’s


They each pause a beat in front of the jewelry store.

They each exchange a glance.

And the two men keep on walking.


-----


Sears


"Hey Bill, wait up." Dave snags Bill's arm as they walk through the department store, looking at a display as they wander past the kitchen appliances. "That's that doohickey Sarah wanted for Christmas."

"What?"

Bill follows Dave and tilts his head at the weird contraption Dave is looking at.

"What is it?"

"It's a juicer. It uh... makes juice. I guess."

"Oh."

"Sarah's gonna love it." Dave beams at his find and plucks up a box.

Bill gives the aisle a cursory glance but doesn’t really see anything Kate might like amongst the small appliances (he does make a note that one of these days he ought to buy an ice cream maker).

Heading for the exit Bill's shoulders are slumped more than ever as Dave totes along the bag with Sarah's gift.

"Listen, we'll go take a look at those dresses again. I think maybe you were right with that one you had," Dave offers.

"No, you got me all god damn paranoid 'bout it now. I'm not gonna—" He glances up and his eyes widen. "Hey!"

"Wha-- " Dave's voice cuts off in an 'ULP!' sound as Bill snags him by the shirt collar and tugs him back a step.

"Jesus Christ! The hell is-- " Dave massages his throat and turns to glare at Bill but he's already moving, eyes fixed on something.

"What do you think?" Bill asks when Dave catches up with him.

Dave surveys the cherry desk and lets out a low whistle.

"It's nice."

"Think she'll like it?" Bill looks the whole thing over; running his hands over the wood, measuring it with his hands and admiring it with a smile.

Dave watches him and his eyes go to the price tag.

"Yeah, but-- " He rubs the back of his neck; stopping when Bill looks at him.

"Yeah?"

Dave drops his hand and starts nodding.

"Uh, you know? I'm real sure she'd like somethin' like that."

"Good."

Decision made Bill hurries to find a sales rep.

Dave hesitates then calls out, "Hey, Bill."

Bill stops and looks back.

"What?"

Dave shifts on his feet, trying to think of a tactful way to say what's on his mind but his friend's eager expression stops him.

"See if they'll load it up, too. Save us the hassle."

"Lazy-ass." Bill laughs, giving a nod before going.

Dave watches him go then turns to run his hand over the desk, shaking his head and grinning.

"Least it ain't no kitty, I guess."